Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
