An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
