I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
