I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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