so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
