i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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