My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
