Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
