all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
