she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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