I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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