I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
