awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you inspire me to be a worse person
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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