I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
