I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
