she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
