I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
