The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
