There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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