we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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