if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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