The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
