I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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