I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
