Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize