We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
