I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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