They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
