maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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