found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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