Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
