i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
