What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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