Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize