i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize