I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
