i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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