you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
