How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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