I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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