I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
