ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
