My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
