you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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