just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
