omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
