You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
