Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
