i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
