I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
