so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize