I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
