I am midnight drunk by noon
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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