If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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