I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
