she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Hippo gnu deer
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
