on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I miss vodka workout Fridays
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
